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matcha

dress // bracelet // ring 

It has been a while since we have had a heart to heart, tell you what has been going on and how I have been feeling.Yes I give life updates during my Friday Simply Smitten series, but mostly it’s what I did, not always how I am feeling. Usually when I chat with friends it’s over drinks, but we do, however, meet for coffee. Since I do not like coffee and much prefer tea, lets talk over a cup of matcha.

Lately I have been feeling like I am an octopus doing a million things at once. When I feel this way, when I let my insecurities and fears take over, my first instinct is to retrieve. To take a break. But then I feel guilty for not being productive. I feel that I won’t achieve something or fail if I do not keep working. Ever since I started my blog, working for myself, I have this notion that I need to stay busy to prove to people that blogging isn’t just snap a photo of yourself. That it is a business and I am doing it all. When I tell people how busy I am, or what is going on with the blog, they always say “you must be doing really well with your blog”. It’s as if we glorify being busy. Even when talking to other bloggers and they ask what projects I am working on, if I don’t have one at the moment or have only one, I feel like a failure. It’s my own insecurity, it is only in my head.

I have a million things going on right now (we all do), that I get anxiety about it all. Over the long weekend I knew I had to work, I had a few showings. But I wanted to take the rest of the weekend to relax before the stress and craziness of fashion week started. I knew I needed a breather before the storm. It was more difficult than I thought. Even when I tried to watch a movie, I would be working through the whole thing. The only time I was not working was when I was reading. When I read I do not want distractions, I want to get lost in a story. Reading over the weekend was my savor. Yesterday I had to finally force myself to take a “break” (still worked but around 3pm I quit). I couldn’t stop working. I would be working on one thing, then get distracted and start working on something else. Even as we speak I am working on 3 things at once. Sometimes I work so much I forget to eat lunch. I did, however, take a semi- break from my blog’s instagram this past weekend; not posting and barely engaging. I felt guilty about it, but knew it was the easiest thing to give up on in order to work on other stuff. The thing is, it is hard to stop working when you really love what you are doing. I LOVE working on my blog, So when work is fun and enjoyable to you, how can you stop?

After I finally took a break during the weekend I thought long and hard about my feelings towards working. What I am trying to do now is look at taking breaks as a necessity. Even though I have talked about how it is healthy to remove yourself and take breaks, I don’t always follow my own advice. I should of have taken the weekend to step away from work completely and recuperate. Give my mind and body a break, a chance to renew itself. I am attuned with my body and mind, I know when I am at the point of breaking. I was (and still am) at the point of breaking. Taking a break does not mean you are going to fail or not succeed at something. In fact I believe it’s the opposite. If something is not working out, step away from it and then come back with a clear mind. Unplug yourself. Pounding at something non-stop will only cause stress. You miss out on a lot in life if you are only working.

Another thing that I am working on is to not give up. I do not mean continuously working, I mean to push through fears and insecurities. When something is going wrong or seems like it will never workout, I feel like giving up. But then I realize I am doing what I love and I want nothing more than to succeed. To fail then get back up and try again. It is easy to feel like a failure in this industry. Other people are getting more revenue or followers or collaborations. You are in a rut or feel like you are just floating. It will happen to everyone at sometime. When this happens, when I feel like a failure in this business or not good enough. I have to remind myself that the reason why I should continue on is because I love it so much. I really do not have a plan B. This is it for me, this is what I want to do. At least for now. I do not see anytime in the future of me quitting. That is the success right there. Not quitting because you are not where you need/want to be. I sometimes look at other people my age, buying homes, traveling the world, married with kids. I want all of those things too, but just because they are not in my current present, does not mean they will never come. I know I will have it all. I must keep faith in god and myself. And with work, I need to stay positive and believe in myself. Just because I do not feel successful, does not mean I am not in other peoples eyes. The grass is always greener. There will always be people better than me, and I will be better than others. It’s the way of life. Until I am where I want to be, I need to look at work, life, relationships, myself as a learning experience. Taking time to nurture myself and grow. Take things one day at a time. Rome was not built in a day. Great things should not be built right away, there needs to be a journey. A journey of self care, faith, and life.